50 Shades of Grey

Here it is boys and girls (though I doubt any boys are reading this, but hopefully some girls are – and I’m pretty sure my mother and my dog are), the inevitable 50 Shades of Grey post.

50 shades title

I’m going to be honest; I read all 3 books in about 2 weeks. I resisted it as much as I could. My rebellious against-the-mainstream attitude wouldn’t allow it. Eventually curiosity kicked in and I bought all 3 on Kindle. The first book was alright, the second was slightly less alright, and the last book was a bit much for me (it went from erotica to crime and action) – but I was too far into it to quit.

Then came the long awaited movie. I got mixed reviews about the movie from people who had already seen it. Some said that it was horrible and nothing like the book. Some said that it was exactly like the book, but nothing special. Others said that it was a must-see. After a long discussion with my mother about how awkward, on a scale of 1 to 10, it would be for us to watch it together, I finally sat down and saw the movie.

movie title

For some reason I didn’t realize what a horrible story line, or lack thereof, 50 Shades of Grey had while I was reading the books. Maybe it was because I knew what I was getting into. Let’s be real here, everyone who picked up the books knew that they weren’t going to experience an outstanding literary journey. We were all in it for the sex. Watching the movie made it so much clearer how pointless the whole thing is.

So here is my honest opinion about the whole thing…

 

Anastasia Has a Death Wish

Why did Anastasia not file for a restraining order after their hardware store encounter? What kind of billionaire goes shopping for rope and cable ties? She knew something was off, she even told him “you’re the complete serial killer”.

 

No Respect for Personal Boundaries

“If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.” Whoa hold up buddy, you don’t know me like that. How can you still be interested in a guy you don’t even know after saying that to you… in his house… in his bed… while you have absolutely no recollection of getting there? First of all, it’s creepy as shit. And secondly, it’s creepy as shit.

r face

 

Butt Plugs Are Self Explanitory

So virginal Anastasia suddenly wants Grey to show her how he’s going to punish her… I haven’t spoken to many BDSM enthusiasts out there, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t discover their fascination about a day after they’d handed in their V card. Come on now, Ana, who are you trying to fool with all that purity bullshit. And don’t get me started about her “What are butt plugs” question. I’m pretty sure the name says it all (not that I’m a butt plug expert, but seriously).

lip

 

Ana Needs a Sugar Daddy

Let’s forget virginal Anna for a second, what about romantic Anna. Where did she go? You’re trying to tell me that she gave up all the roses and starry eyes just to have a chance with Grey? Now this may be a matter of taste, but he’s not hot enough for that kind of sacrifice. At this point the only word that comes to mind is: Gold digger.

(Actually… I am…)

 

Main Theme: Mental Disorder

Is it just me or is Ana obviously bipolar? One minute she’s hurling herself across Grey’s lap digging the spanking, and the next she’s bawling on her bed refusing to let him touch her. Make up your mind Anastasia, do you want to be Grey’s freak in the sheets or not?

thinking

 

Stay Away, Mr. Grey

Also, why are all these women swooning about “when will I find my Christian Grey”. Meanwhile I’m coming up with a fool-proof strategy to ensure that he never slithers into my life. Seriously now, it’s enough work trying to maintain a relationship without his complicated, unnecessary drama (Grey might say he doesn’t do relationships, but showing up at a bar in the middle of nowhere to save Ana’s sorry ass is some classic Prince Charming shit). If I tell a guy I want more from a relationship, it’s probably in the form of a surprise tall skinny vanilla latte from Starbucks on my desk in the morning, not a plane ride to shut me up and get me back in the playroom as his voiceless slave. Too extreme buddy.

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Also, if it takes the guy more than 2.5 seconds to chase after me after attempting a dramatic exit, he’s SO not worth it.

If you’re thinking about watching the movie, do it for the same reasons you read the book: sex.

Lama